Send in the Doctors!
by Carbuncle
Summary: Four classic medical themed Countdown to stories, in which Aeris turns retarded, Barrett discovers the wonders of the human body, Professor Hojo helps deliver a baby, and Cloud gets a vasectomy - not all at once, you understand.
1. A Countdown To Despair

Title: Countdown to Despair  
Rating: PG  
Original Size: 4kb  
First Published: 2/11/01  
  
  
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Premise: Cloud, Tifa and Barrett head off to Mideel to visit Aeris, who is suffering from Mako poisoning.  
  
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A Countdown To Despair  
  
"Geez, how much further?!" Barrett groaned.  
  
"Not long now, Barrett. We're almost there," Tifa smiled.  
  
"We'd better be! I can't take much more o' this walkin'!"  
  
"Quit your moaning, Barrett! It's good to get out once in a while!" Cloud snapped.  
  
"Up yo' ass!" Barrett grumbled.  
  
Cloud, Tifa and Barrett were on their way to Mideel. They had to travel through the thick forest area first and now Barrett had started to complain.  
  
"Why we goin' to Mideel anyways?!"  
  
"Ugh! For the last time, Barrett!" Cloud yelled. "Aeris is over at the town clinic recovering from Mako poisoning, remember?! And so we have to go visit here once in a while."  
  
"But... why couldn't she just go to Midgar General Hospital?"  
  
"D'uh! It's easier this way!" Cloud sighed.  
  
"Yeah, plus this place is *so* hot!" Tifa added.  
  
They continued to walk along the path.  
  
"Yeah, but... didn't this place get destroyed by the Lifestream?" Barrett asked again.  
  
"Yes! So they re-built the town five miles down the forest!" Cloud explained. "Now quit asking all these damn questions!"  
  
Eventually the party reached 'New' Mideel. They entered the town clinic and were greeted by the doctor and his nurse.  
  
"Ah, good afternoon," the doctor chirped. "I trust you are all feeling well?"  
  
"You trust correctly!" Barrett mocked.  
  
"So, like, why the heck are you here then?" the nurse giggled.  
  
"We are here to see our good friend Aeris," Tifa told them.  
  
"Aeris? Ah, yes! Her! Um, there's a slight problem with that..."  
  
"Slight problem?" Cloud wondered. "Nothing serious I hope."  
  
"No, not at all. It's just that she's been very off edge these last few days, and I think you should tread carefully when talking to her. Go on through..."  
  
Cloud, Tifa and Barrett wandered into Aeris's room. The ancient was rocking back and forth in a wheelchair.  
  
"Hi Aeris. How ya doin'?" Barrett questioned.  
  
"BLERGH! AERIS!" she gurgled.  
  
"Huh? Um, the doctor been taking care of you?" Cloud wondered.  
  
"HMMM... AERIS! BLERGH! AERIS!" she jolted.  
  
"Excuse me, doctor. But should she really be making those strange, weird noises?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Oh, that is perfectly natural. Y'see, Mako energy is a funny thing!"  
  
"Say hello to your friends, Aeris!" the nurse smirked.  
  
"BLERGH! BLERGH! AERIS!" Aeris added.  
  
"What was that, Aeris?" Cloud coughed.  
  
"She said, "I want to go outside for a while," the doctor told them.  
  
"Are you sure she said all that?" Tifa mumbled.  
  
"BLERGH! AERIS! BLERGH!"  
  
"Hey, why don't you all take her for a walk, uh, ride, uh, y'know what I mean," the doctor said.  
  
"Good idea, doc!" Barrett bloated. "I bet you'd like a trip out in the fresh air, huh Aeris?"  
  
"AERIS! AERIS AERIS! AERIS!"  
  
Cloud took hold of Aeris's wheelchair and pushed her outside, while Tifa and Barrett followed.  
  
"Alright, where to first?"  
  
Suddenly, a large bug flew onto Cloud's neck. He squirmed and tried to brush it off, but it bit him and he let go of Aeris's wheelchair in shock. The ancient shot off down the rather steep hill.  
  
"Shit!" Barrett yelled. "Aeris!"  
  
"After her!" Cloud shouted, while he rubbed his sore neck.  
  
The party gave chase down the hill, but they were too slow to catch her. Aeris headed straight towards the forest.  
  
"Cloud! If we don't stop that chair, then Aeris'll be a permanent fixture on those trees!" Tifa gasped.  
  
Aeris continued to fly by at an incredible speed. Cloud and the others were too late. They closed their eyes in fear of what would happen next. Amazingly, the chair stopped just in front of a huge tree trunk.  
  
"AERIS! AERIS! BLERGH!"  
  
The friends opened their eyes and sighed. They ran down the hill to collect Aeris.  
  
"Aeris! Thank God!" Cloud said. "Now let's get you back to the..."  
  
Just then, a HeadHunter creature emerged from the forest. It leapt upon Aeris and tore off her head. The party stared in awe.  
  
"Oh my God! They killed Aeris!" Tifa screamed.  
  
"You beasts!" Cloud yelled.  
  
"Man, all that runnin' for nothin'!" Barrett complained. "Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the can!"  
  
THE END__________ 


	2. A Countdown To Indigestion

Title: Countdown to Indigestion  
Rating: PG  
Original Size: 6kb  
First Published: 1/10/01  
  
  
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Premise: The party go on their very own fantastic voyage.  
  
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A Countdown To Indigestion  
  
"Yes, it's just what I thought."  
  
"What is it, doctor?" Cloud asked, with a concerned look on his face.  
  
"I'm afraid your friend Aeris has swallowed a zinc battery."  
  
"A zinc battery?!" Barrett exclaimed. "How the hell does someone swallow a zinc battery?!"  
  
  
"I bet you five gil you can't swallow this zinc battery!" Yuffie squeaked.  
  
"You're on!" Aeris said enthusiastically, as she took the battery from Yuffie and swallowed it. "Five gil please, Yuffie!"  
  
"Oh gawd!" Yuffie sighed.  
  
  
"Is there anything you can do for her?" Tifa wondered.  
  
"Well, I'm afraid if we don't get that battery out of her stomach, then the zinc fluid inside could leak out and poison her stomach acids, which means she would probably die a painful, horrible death," the doctor told them.  
  
"Die?! Oh no!" they all exclaimed.  
  
"Can you get it out? The battery, can you get it out?" Cloud questioned.  
  
"I'm sorry, but we no longer have the medical equipment to perform such operations. You can blame Professor Hojo for that."  
  
"So... we just watch her die?!" Tifa gasped.  
  
"...I suppose. Good day!" the doctor smiled, as he left the room.  
  
"Cloud! We have to do something!" Tifa shouted.  
  
"I guess we could use a pair of tweezers and try to fish it out."  
  
"Cloud! Have you got cloth in your damn ears?! Think rationally!" Barrett yelled.  
  
"Excuse me," Cait Sith said politely, as he walked into the room, "I couldn't help overhearing, but I may have an answer to your problems."  
  
"Go on..." Cloud mumbled.  
  
"Ahem, if I were to use a Mini spell on you guys, then it would shrink you, which would allow you to go *inside* Aeris and safely retrieve the battery."  
  
"Ew!" they all groaned.  
  
"Of course, you'd need some sort of transport to sustain the pressure..." he continued.  
  
"The Highwind!" Cid bloated. "You can shrink the Highwind! I'd be happy to pilot the thing for you!"  
  
"Alright, I can't say I fully agree with what we're about to do here, but... it looks like we have no other choice," Cloud thought. "Cait Sith! Get ready with that Mini spell! We have no time to lose!"  
  
A few hours later, the whole party - Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Cid - had gathered inside the Highwind. Everyone looked at one another nervously.  
  
"Man, this is gonna suck!" Barrett complained.  
  
"It's either this or sit and wait for Aeris's demise... and I know what I'd rather choose!" Cloud said bravely.  
  
"Okay, are you guys all set? I'm gonna shrink you now!" Cait Sith shouted from outside.  
  
Cait Sith powered himself up, and prepared to cast a Mini spell.  
  
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," Tifa mumbled. "Cloud, tell him to stop."  
  
But it was too late. A cloud of yellow gas covered the entire Highwind, causing it, and everything on board, to shrink to tiny proportions.  
  
"What just happened?" Cloud whimpered.  
  
"Oh my God! Look!" Cid screamed.  
  
The party looked out of the cockpit window to see a giant, white mountain.  
  
"Where the hell did that come from?!" Cid gasped.  
  
"HEY GUYS!!" a voice boomed from outside.  
  
The party began to feel the Highwind being lifted up into the air. A pair of big, black eyes glared right at them.  
  
"Argh!" Barrett screamed in terror. "A monster!"  
  
"No Barrett! It's just Cait Sith. He shrunk us, remember?" Cloud explained.  
  
"Oh yeah," Barrett laughed in embarrassment. "Yo Cid! Let's get this heap o' junk movin' so we can start the mission!"  
  
"Okay! We have lift off!" Cid yelled, as he started up the engine.  
  
The Highwind shot off from Cait Sith's gigantic hand and zoomed into Midgar, making its way to Aeris's house, where the sick girl lay in her bed.  
  
"Slow down, Cid!" Cloud flinched. "Now, how do you suppose we get inside Aeris?"  
  
"That's simple. We can just go through her nose," Cid suggested.  
  
"What?!" Cloud exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah, then we travel to the back of her head, down her throat, into her stomach, get the battery, fly back up, and out through her mouth. Simple!"  
  
"Ew!" the others groaned.  
  
The Highwind flew at breakneck speed into Aeris's house. It flew up the stairs and into her bedroom. There on the bed... was Aeris. Cid piloted the airship, as planned, up into Aeris's nose. Cid turned on the headlights.  
  
"Gross!" Barrett said, as he tried to hold in his lunch. "Okay, let's get this over with! Which way to the stomach?"  
  
"Straight down!" Cid laughed, as he pushed the ship as far as it could go.  
  
The Highwind arrived inside the stomach, where the party could clearly see the zinc battery Aeris had swallowed previously.  
  
"Alright! Here's the plan: we switch on the giant magnet that I attached to the bottom of the Highwind, pick up that old battery, and get the hell outta here! Everyone fine with that?" Cid asked, as the party nodded their heads in agreement.  
  
Cid turned on the magnet. Its force managed to safely pull the battery from the stomach acids, removing all danger.  
  
"Woo hoo!" they all screamed cheerfully.  
  
Suddenly, Cloud began to feel strange. "Huh? What's happening?!"  
  
"Cloud! You're growing!" Tifa gasped, as she, too, felt herself sprouting up.  
  
"Cid! The Mini spell is wearing off! Get us outta here!" Cloud yelled.  
  
"Good lord! If we were to resume normal size while still inside Aeris, then..." Cid shivered.  
  
He rushed to the controls. He desperately tried to shift the Highwind, but it wouldn't budge. The party could do nothing as they grew and grew.  
  
Cait Sith sat comfortably with Aeris at her bedside. When the floor began to shake, he knew he was in trouble. He quickly leapt to his feet and made his way out of the room. Once outside the house, he looked up in horror as it exploded, sending debris flying everywhere. When the smoke cleared, he could see the Highwind - as its original size - with the remains of Aeris smothered around the edges. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Cid stepped out onto the bridge.  
  
"Oh my God! We killed Aeris!" Cloud screamed.  
  
"We killed Aeris?!" Tifa gasped.  
  
"Yeah, we killed Aeris. We're beasts," Cloud said calmly.  
  
"Man, I'm hungry! What's for dinner?" Barrett wondered.  
  
THE END__________ 


	3. A Countdown To Pain

Title: Countdown to Pain  
Rating: PG-13  
Original Size: 6kb  
First Published: 2/23/01  
  
  
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Premise: Aeris discovers that she is pregnant...  
  
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A Countdown To Pain  
  
"Morning everyone!" Aeris smiled, as she walked into Tifa's bar, Seventh Heaven.  
  
"Morning Aeris, did you sleep wel-"  
  
Tifa's jaw dropped in horror. She stared at Aeris and gave Cloud a tap on the shoulder.  
  
"What?! I'm trying to read the 'Shinra Times'!" Cloud groaned.  
  
Tifa grabbed Cloud's head and pointed it towards Aeris. His newspaper fell to the floor.  
  
"Oh... my... God!" Cloud stuttered.  
  
Aeris stood before them. She had gained a lot of weight, and was as big as a house (not literally).  
  
"Is something wrong, you two?" Aeris asked.  
  
"How much did *you* have to eat last night? You been on the munchies again?" Tifa giggled.  
  
"Huh?" Aeris looked down at her stomach. "Ergh!"  
  
The ancient fainted onto the floor.  
  
"Oh my God! They killed..."  
  
"No, not yet, Cloud," Tifa belowed. "She's still breathing. She's just fainted. Here, give me a hand."  
  
Cloud and Tifa pulled Aeris up onto a table, and crowded round.  
  
"Geez! I've only seen one person who's as fat as this! She must've ate like an 'S' class Chocobo!"  
  
"No... it's not that, Cloud," Tifa said, as she pressed her ear against Aeris's belly. "She-She's pregnant!"  
  
"What?!" Cloud exclaimed.  
  
Later that day, the whole party had gathered at Seventh Heaven to witness this small miracle.  
  
"But-But how?!" Barrett yelled.  
  
"Sigh!" Tifa grumbled. "I knew we'd have to explain this to you someday, Barrett. Y'see, when a man and a woman have se-"  
  
"Yeah! I know all that! I'm not stupid!" Barrett retorted. "What I mean is: when did all this happen?! She was fine yesterday! Not fat or anythin'! These things don't jus' crop up over night!"  
  
"Barrett's right," Cloud agreed. "Aeris, can you explain?"  
  
"Um... I don't know either, Cloud! This is all a mystery to me aswell!"  
  
"Maybe we should call a doctor?" Red XIII suggested.  
  
"I'll get on the phone to Dr. Imahidiot!" Tifa shouted.  
  
Tifa walked off towards the telephone, while Yuffie inspected Aeris.  
  
"Holy crap! You must have some big baby in there!"  
  
"If it is a baby," Barrett mumbled. "Perhaps it's somethin' else."  
  
"Like what?!" Cid wondered. "A double cheese burger with extra ham?!"  
  
"Hey, that's not funny, Cid!" Aeris snapped. "Ow! I think I felt a kick!"  
  
"Ya did!" Yuffie flinched. "It was me! You need to calm down, sister! This isn't doing any good for the kid!"  
  
Just then, Tifa walked back into the bar.  
  
"Is Dr. Imahidiot coming?" Cloud questioned.  
  
"No, he's out on call. But they're sending over someone else. Hold on, Aeris."  
  
"Hold on?! Seriously, my water just broke!" the ancient gasped.  
  
"Ergh!" the group squirmed, as they all moved away from her.  
  
Suddenly, Professor Hojo entered the building. He gave a sneaky smile as he moved towards Aeris.  
  
"Hmmm, looks like the reproduction of the ancients is imminent."  
  
"Professor Hojo?! What are you doing here?!" Cloud panicked.  
  
"I was informed that someone here needed a doctor. I assume that person is you, m'dear?"  
  
"Hey! She needed a *doctor*! We don't want no service from a criminal!" Barrett growled.  
  
"Criminal?! I'm hurt!" Hojo cried. "I'm a reformed man now!"  
  
"Reformed? More like deformed!" Cait Sith whispered.  
  
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" Aeris groaned.  
  
"People! We have a baby on the way!" Hojo yelled. "Now do you want me to deliver it or not?!"  
  
"Knock yourself out!" Cid coughed, as he sipped on his beer.  
  
Hojo moved closer to Aeris. He inspected her, um, y'know, and gave a sad look.  
  
"Is everything alright, Professor?" Vincent asked.  
  
"No. This is no ordinary pregnancy."  
  
"Yeah, like we figured that one out ten minutes ago!" Yuffie mumbled.  
  
"I have to move fast!" Hojo thought. "I've decided! I'm going in!"  
  
"What?!" the party exclaimed.  
  
"Relax, I've done this many times during my career." Hojo plugged his nose and pulled his top half up into Aeris's dress.  
  
"Ew!"  
  
Aeris began to sweat badly. The party tried to comfort her in her time of need.  
  
"Okay! Pant Aeris! Whoof whoof whoof! Deep, slow breaths!" Tifa bloated.  
  
"Whoof whoof whoof!" Aeris panted. "Whoof whoof whoof!"  
  
"Who let the dogs out..." Yuffie sang quietly.  
  
"Success!" Hojo yelled, as he pulled himself out of Aeris.  
  
"Hurray!" Cloud cheered. "But, uh, Professor? Where is the baby?"  
  
"Oh, um, the child refuses to come out. In fact, he's stuck."  
  
"Stuck?! Then why success?!" Cloud wailed.  
  
"Success... because I got out of there just in time. This is no ordinary child. It is some sort of demon, which has been implanted into this young woman during a period of which she was not aware. And he is very, very pissed off. He also stole my ten inch needle."  
  
"Oh boy!" Aeris gurgled.  
  
All of a sudden, a large needle end pierced through Aeris's stomach. It ripped her apart as a demon child emerged.  
  
"Oh my God! It killed Aeris!" Tifa screamed.  
  
"You beast!" Cloud yelled.  
  
The demon jumped onto the floor, swinging Professor Hojo's needle around in front of the party. It giggled in an evil way.  
  
"Quick Professor! Do something!" Yuffie belowed. "Professor?"  
  
"Bye-bye losers!" Hojo laughed, as he ran off outside.  
  
"That bastard!" Cid growled. "Uh, nice baby... nice baby!"  
  
The demon leapt upon Cid and lifted the needle above his head. It prepared to inject Cid, which would kill him instantly.  
  
"Cloud! Barrett! Tifa! Yuffie! Cait Sith! Red XIII! And the other guy! Help me!"  
  
"I'll save you, Cid!" Cloud ran at the demon with his Ultimate Weapon held high. He took a swipe at the demon, and sliced it into two halves. Its limp body crumbled to the floor.  
  
"Phew!" Cid sighed, while he felt his head. "Now that's what I call a close shave!"  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" the party laughed.  
  
"I love you guys!" Cloud smiled.  
  
THE END__________ 


	4. A Countdown To Vasectomy

Title: Countdown to Vasectomy  
Rating: PG-13  
Original Size: 5kb  
First Published: 3/18/01  
  
  
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Premise: Another future tale, which will probably make the male generation squeal in horror.  
  
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A Countdown To Vasectomy  
  
"Phew! That was fun!" Aerith shrieked. "Let's go again!"  
  
"Again?! Whoa!" Cloud tried to get his breath back. "I don't think I can go again! I mean, I'm not some kinda machine!"  
  
"Aw, you're no fun, Cloud!" Aerith grumbled. "You'll do it with me again, won't you Barrett?"  
  
"Uh... I dunno. I sorta got a weak stomach from the last time too. It really took a lot out o' me!" Barrett gasped.  
  
"So neither of you are up for it?!" Aerith groaned. "Okay, what about you, Tifa?"  
  
"I-I don't think so. I didn't really like it much. I'd never done anything like that before and it scared me a little," Tifa explained. "You hear all sorts of horrible stories about all the things that could go wrong."  
  
"Sigh! So what am I gonna do?! I can't go it alone!"  
  
"Why don't you go ask Vincent or Cid? I think they're around here somewhere," Cloud suggested.  
  
"Alright! I'll go and find one of the others. I bet they're up for it!" Aerith walked off leaving Cloud, Tifa and Barrett huffing and wheezing.  
  
"Now what we gonna do?" Barrett wondered.  
  
"Barrett, could you let me and Cloud have some time alone for a while?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Sure! I'll see ya later!" Barrett left his friends alone.  
  
"Okay Cloud, now it's just you and me! Show me what kind of a man you are!" Tifa cheered.  
  
"You got it! Get ready cause I'm gonna make you sweat, baby!" Cloud smiled. "I'm taking you... to Wonder Square!"  
  
The whole party were spending the day at the Gold Saucer. (What?! What did you think they were doing exactly?!) They had just ridden the rollercoaster in Speed Square for the seventh time and now they wanted to relax and try something a bit less stomach-churning.  
  
"How much GP do you think we'll win?" Tifa questioned.  
  
"4000 GP!" Cloud screamed.  
  
"Well, well, well! If it isn't my favourite buddies in the whole wide world! Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockheart!"  
  
"Oh, Cait Sith. It's you," Cloud moaned.  
  
"How ya doing?! You know what? You guys are my fifth customers today! I'm gonna tell your fortune on the house!" Cait Sith smirked.  
  
"No, we're not here for our fort-"  
  
Tifa quickly put her hand over Cloud's mouth, which silenced him immediately. "Go ahead! I always wanted to know what the future held for Cloud and I."  
  
"Okeedokee!" Cait Sith flinched. "It's 25 years into the future. I see... I see a large villa in the sunny Costa del Sol... which isn't yours. Hmmm, now I see... a small house in the run down town of North Corel..."  
  
  
A middle aged man with balding, blonde hair walked towards a dirty beat-up old shack. Upon entering, he was greeted by a woman cooking near a stove. She had brown hair, and was wearing a white T-shirt and a very short skirt.  
  
"Cloud dear, where on earth have you been? Your dinner has been ready for three hours!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Tifa," the man replied. "I was just eyeing up the new weapon selection over at the market stall."  
  
"Oh Cloud, you're 46 years old now! Your adventuring days are over!" Tifa sighed.  
  
"My adventuring days will never be over!" Cloud slurred. "Tifa, I'm horny. Let's have sex."  
  
"No Cloud! Not until you agree to have that vasectomy!"  
  
"What?! I told you last night: there's no way I'm having one of them!" Cloud bloated.  
  
"But Cloud, we've already had six children together. I can't cope with anymore!"  
  
"I don't care! I'd rather have another kid dangling off your teats, than have my weiner tampered with by some poor excuse for a doctor!"  
  
"Well, you know the rules: no vasectomy, no sah-sex with me!" Tifa crossed her arms and turned away.  
  
"You're so sexy when you get mad!" Cloud laughed. "C'mere baby!"  
  
"No!" Tifa yelled.  
  
"D'ah! I'm going out!" Cloud stormed out the front door in frustration. Tifa then heard his voice echo from outside. "Hey there, can I take a look at that new sword? Oh, that's just superb! Can I touch it? No, just let me hold it! I-I... give it to me! You little... there, got it! One, two, three... argh!!"  
  
"What the...?" Tifa paused.  
  
"Tifa?!" Cloud shouted. "I... I did it! I had a vasectomy! Ca-Can we have sex now?"  
  
"Oh my..." Tifa fainted to the floor.  
  
  
"Ergh! I actually perform the operation myself?!" Cloud panicked.  
  
"I guess. I don't get it right all the time. But I do know this for sure: you guys are destined to be together!"  
  
"Hmmm, I suppose that is good news," Tifa gurgled. "Th-Thanks Cait Sith."  
  
Cloud and Tifa wandered off to play Mog House. Aerith poked her head out from behind a thick pillar.  
  
"I'm... so... mad... right... now!" she moaned.  
  
She hit the stone pillar with her fist in anger. The vibration caused a piece of the pillar to come crashing down on her head. She was killed instantly.  
  
"Geez!" Cait Sith belowed, as he turned round to face the crushed ancient. "I've told Dio about a million times to knock down that stony old pillar!"  
  
THE END__________ 


End file.
